Technology, journalism, social media and social responsibility
Y’all know those pitches where they try to sell you seminars to larn how to be rich, right? Well I’ll save you a couple thousand by spilling it out right here, in six easy steps, for free:
1. Prepare to be loud. I mean, really loud. Practice spouting your opinion everywhere you possibly can. Get your own reality TV show, Internet channel, radio program, whatever it takes.
2. Polish your image by acting conservative, outraged and paranoid. You can’t become a millionaire if you are an eco-friendly vegan liberal. Liberals and progressives are socialists, they want to give it all away and just be happy. Instead, conjure your inner asshole and paint yourself as a defender of God, capitalism and white male superiority. Whine about being oppressed by everybody else. And be sure to mention that you need your guns because they are coming real soon.
3. Sell anything and everything – mostly housewares and aftermarket truck accessories, making sure your picture is on it. Don’t worry about marketing your products, just keep on going on the air talking about how you are being oppressed for defending God and the American Way. After all, you are the brand, not your company. God forbid you should have to share that wealth with those manufacturing and distribution people.
4. Once the money starts rolling in, set up a bunch of foreign bank accounts using your dead stepsister as the owner of the fund. Every good American knows better than to keep their money in America where it could be stolen by socialists and don’t put it in your name or the Nazi IRS will find it.
5. After you’ve made more money than you can possibly squander, sell the companies to a hedge fund owned by a conservative Congressman who also happens to be a partner in a prestigious law firm. He’ll owe you forever, which may come in handy if you’re audited or divorced.
6. Sit back and watch the residuals roll in for the rest of your life. Because there are lots of idiots out there who will consider you their personal hero for many years to come, and yeah they will faithfully watch reruns of your reality show wrapped in a comforter with your image on it. Sounds creepy, I know, and you may have to buy a small fortress to keep them all away, but in the end you’ll be rich and admired by a whole lot of people you couldn’t give a shit about.